Sleigh Bells Ring, Are You Regulating?

(Other names I considered for this post: "Frosty the Regulator," "Walking in a Winter Calmer-land")

Ah, the holiday season. Whether you're celebrating with family, friends, or colleagues, holiday parties can activate the worst in the best of us. When we're in a group scenario, we are not just mingling with chatty banter; we become a collective of emotional contagions: sharing emotions, pheromones, and a slurry of hormones like oxytocin, dopamine, and even adrenaline. This can be fun! Festive! But it can also be stressful. Sometimes that stress becomes unmanageable, activating people’s nervous systems to respond by Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn.

Why do we do this? Depending on our past experiences where we may have developed a fear associated with a thing or a situation, anything can be perceived as a threat and set off a response: maybe it's seeing someone you had a big, unresolved fight with last year, or having to explain yet again why you're not pregnant (microaggressions, people, they come in many forms), or you may still feel incredibly uncomfortable socializing during the cold & flu season in this is-it-post-pandemic-or-are-we-still-in-it era.

How does the brain and the nervous system work together? Our senses - sight, smell, touch, taste - get turned into tiny signals that course through different parts of the brain, and it's constantly working to keep us in homeostasis. But when our amygdala, a region in the brain responsible for emotions, perceives what it thinks is a threat to our safety, it signals to the brain stem to activate our sympathetic nervous system (SNS) for Fight or Flight, or - if it's TOO scary - our parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) may kick in and have us go into Freeze or Fawn. How you react depends on which system dominates the response at the time. In general, these systems release stress hormones into the bloodstream, and these initiate a series of physiological changes in the body. Our heart rate may increase, breathing might become rapid, and blood flow is redirected to preserve vital organs and muscles. Usually, we can regulate these symptoms quickly, yet sometimes they can escalate. Fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses can vary among individuals, with some displaying increased aggression (fight), others seeking escape (flight), experiencing immobilization (freeze), or showing appeasement behaviors (fawn).

So how do we regulate when we start becoming activated and it's starting to escalate? Here are common symptoms for each response, along with a few counter tips to help regulate and bring back some balance during a holiday party.

Fight Response:

• May display as: Increased irritability and aggression. Muscles may become tense.

• How to respond: Try to find a quiet space to take deep breaths or try box breathing. If the body feels like it needs to move, try walking around the perimeter of the party, dance, or go for a brisk walk outside.

Flight Response:

• May display as: Restlessness, feeling the urge to leave, racing thoughts.

• Counter Tips: Step outside for fresh air. Ground yourself by focusing on the 5 senses. Connect with a familiar face. Use positive affirmations to counter negative thoughts, such as "I am safe."

Freeze Response:

• Symptoms: Immobility, feeling stuck, difficulty making decisions or holding conversations.

• Counter Tips: Try bringing yourself back to your body by feeling the texture of an object like the holiday décor. Take small breaks away and do something that requires a different focus (make a plate of snacks, focusing on colors and textures), and remind yourself "I can take my time.”

Fawn Response:

• Symptoms: Over-accommodating behavior, people-pleasing, avoiding conflict.

• Counter Tips: Prepare by carrying a small self-care item in your pocket, like a vial of essential oil or a soft stone you can rub. Use them to remind yourself that you are worthy of belonging and you do not have to earn affection by doing everything - for everyone. Set conversation boundaries by politely steering away from topics that make you uncomfortable.

Note that this is a simplified overview and may not capture all the complexities of these physiological and psychological processes. Individual responses can vary, and the effectiveness of coping strategies can depend on various factors.  Also, some of the tips can be applied to multiple responses; try what works best for you and if you're supporting someone else through their responses, thank you. One of the most effective tools to support regulation is evoking the buddy system.  It works wonders because we’re reminded that we are not alone; we are social creatures meant to support one another. Also, ‘tis the season!  Having a trusted buddy whom you can share your worries with about the events ahead of time can co-create solutions with you. Being a bit vulnerable and admitting that we may need support builds connection, creates safety, and is a proactive way to ensure the best chances for a fun and regulated holiday season. May your festivities be filled with joy and connection (and a few grounding practices)!