Managing our Buttons: How to "Win" in Self-Awareness

I generally like to keep blog posts short- but I got all riled up! Happy reading.

I’m a passionate person, and it has its perks. When I’m fueled by something that I’m curious about and it aligns with my values, I become driven and committed. I want to share my learnings with others—my ‘aha’ moments. I’ve been told that my enthusiasm can be catchy and fun (wheee!), and I hope that it builds connections with others so that together we can create change and do great things. I’m also keenly aware and responsive to the feelings and emotional states of others—it’s what makes me a great coach. I pay attention to the words people use, their tone, and also to what’s not being said, like subtle cues and people’s body language. When I’m at my best, I’m self-aware, able to manage my reactions to my emotions, be discerning, stay grounded, and feel connected. I’m in balance.

But it’s taken me years to develop what self-awareness I have. What’s happened to me in the past (and every so often, it still happens) is that sometimes certain things would activate me and throw me so off balance that I was unable to notice it happening and unable to act fast enough to regulate. We all have different triggers—certain cues or situations that trip us up and elicit a snap reaction. One of my biggest triggers is if I feel someone is lying or trying to be manipulative. Because of my sensitivity to people, I have a pretty good bullshit meter, and historically, if people’s actions didn’t match their words—if I got a whiff of dishonesty—my Protect-Everyone-At-All-Cost-Because-No-One-Is-Safe button would get pushed (PEAACBNOIS is a very long acronym to write on a button).

When that button gets activated, here’s what happens: physically, my body flares up. I’ll feel my skin go hot, prickly, and I might start to shift my eyes from side to side looking for the threat. My chest tightens. Emotionally, I’m flooded and I may feel tears come on. I become both angry and scared. I can’t think rationally, and I’ll create stories in my head. I get fixated and will play them out in a loop. I’ll seek out and label the good guys, and you better believe I’ll find the bad guys. Us vs. Them. Because of my passion, I'll dig deep trying to keep everyone safe and protected (myself included).

How many of us have had similar reactions? Your triggers and your reactions may look different. Yet, how many of us go through a similar cycle and think, “Whoa, I may have overreacted there”? How many of us are in positions of influence and have employees, children, partners, friends, or community members watching us who may have also been impacted by our reactive cycle? How many of us catch ourselves, take accountability for our reactions, and repair after one of these episodes?

Here's what I’ve learned. The initial trigger (in my case, the dishonesty) may be valid and it may require me to act. However, my historical overreaction without pausing to gather more information to understand the trigger is a response I’ve learned—and perfected—when I was younger. I’m replaying old stuff. My brain kicks into autopilot because it’s learned that by reacting in a certain way, it’s going to protect me (and others). It doesn’t know that this situation is any different than situations in my past. It’s the same brain reaction that might have a veteran hitting the ground when he hears fireworks at a party.

First, before I get into what has supported me, please know that this is a lot more common than we think. Even if we never had any major life adversities, our brains have evolved in a way that is now hardwired to scan for threats to keep us safe. It’s the natural process of the amygdala, a region in the brain that helps process emotions and detects those threats. But is it a productive way to react all the time in just daily life? When we are in positions of influence and have people depending on us to show the next right move, it is ineffective (and often dangerous) to react from a place of unexamined fears. Our decision-making is impaired, and this may cause us to make poor judgment calls. It also erodes trust, as unpredictably and emotionally volatile behavior can undermine our credibility. I’m sure all of us have experienced this in ourselves (or have witnessed it in other leaders). The antidote required is cultivating self-awareness and emotional intelligence, and this can take time to develop and requires practice.

Speaking of practice, here's my more self-aware approach I try to do now in order to manage my emotional responses to triggers:

A. When activated, I now pause and just notice what I’m experiencing in my body. If I feel a rapid heart rate, I take deep breaths, sometimes box-breathing (which is taught to military and law enforcement). If I feel a wave of cold or a numbing sensation, I go for a walk or drink a cold glass of water. If I feel like I need to cry, I will try and find a quiet safe space and cry. When I can, I RELEASE the energy so that it's not stored in my body. I don’t push feelings down, instead I regulate them.

B. Next, I check in with my emotions. "Name it to tame it," they say. I get curious and ask what emotion am I feeling. Is it anger, frustration, fear? Brene Brown’s book Atlas of the Heart digs into eighty-seven emotions giving us more language rather than just Happy, Sad, and Angry. Sometimes it also helps to repeat (quietly or you get weird looks) “I’m ok, I'm safe.”

C. When I start to feel a bit more grounded (coming back into my body), I explore the story that’s attached to these emotions. Where have I felt this before? What’s the story I’m making up? Is my reaction warranted? Is the story true? How can I know for sure? Again, this takes practice.

D. The secret to ‘winning’ self-awareness is giving myself space to then choose how I want to respond. If there is such a thing as magic, I believe this would be it. When we have choice, we have options. When we have options, we have agency. When we can recognize that we are in control, we can take accountability for ourselves. Viktor E. Frankl, an Austrian neurologist, psychiatrist, Holocaust survivor, and author of Man's Search for Meaning, said: "Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."

If you’re interested in exploring more, reach out. In almost every coaching situation I’m in, we explore regulation and how to find our way back from those moments that activate us. We explore: What does practicing look like? What will you do next time you are activated? How do you want to respond? What choices are available to you?